The Abuser in Your Pocket: How Stalkerware Threatens Women’s Privacy 

The Abuser in Your Pocket
How Stalkerware Threatens Women’s Privacy

(This article was written by Aaron Thomas)

Stalkerware - image of a computer-keyboard-with-privacy-keyWith so much rapidly growing technology in our daily lives, people are becoming more and more reliant on their smartphones, whether it is to take pictures of their families, send text messages to their friends, or use it as a GPS to find a nearby restaurant. Our smartphones are the gateway to our personal lives, and it is extremely important for our devices to be safe against unnecessary intrusion by threat actors. That is precisely why smartphone companies have given the ability to use a passcode or password to log into the device. This gives the user extra protection with full disk encryption enabled with a passcode. We are always told not to hand over our passcodes or passwords to anyone, but the one exception that is so common is between couples. Both partners may want to share their passwords to give each other trust and transparency. In fact, a survey in 2023 showed that password sharing between couples is very common, with 81% of Americans saying that they have shared a password with their loved ones (ExpressVPN, 2023). While this is not a bad thing altogether, it could lead to severe consequences if the relationship turns out bad, leading to a breakup. Even if there were no breakups, some partners might become overly obsessive about whether or not their own partner is cheating on them. This is often seen in abusive relationships, especially towards women. The abuser may resort to adapting and abusing spying software on their partner’s device. This type of software is often referred to as stalkerware, which is a type of spyware that allows the abuser to see everything their victim is doing, from tracking their victims’ locations and allowing abusers to read their encrypted text messages, monitor phone calls, see photos, videos, their web history, and much more. It is being used all over the world to intimidate, harass, and harm victims and it is a favorite tool for stalkers and abusive spouses or ex-partners (Electronic Frontier Foundation, 2019). Although stalkerware companies such as mSpy and CocoSpy claim the use of their software is for parents to monitor children’s devices, this article argues that stalkerware helps domestic abusers spy on women without their permission. By confronting stalkerware, we can work towards a safer digital environment for all women and respect for their privacy in an increasingly interconnected world.

Your partner knows where you were last night even though you did not tell them? Were there specific conversations that you’ve had with friends or family, and does your partner know exactly what was said? How is that possible? It could be Stalkerware (Coalition Against Stalkerware, 2020).

Stalkerware, also known as Spouseware, is commercially available software used to spy on a victim’s device without their knowledge or consent. Stalkerware, like any type of spyware, is extremely invasive when deployed against a victim of domestic abuse. It can be deployed on both mobile operating systems like iOS and Android. Stalkerware can also be deployed on MacOS and Windows if the abuser knows the password or passcode to get into the device. Apple’s strict security policy is very effective at keeping iOS users safe. iOS simply does not let apps get deep enough into the system software to be able to secretly monitor what a person is doing to a compromised phone (Nield, 2020). Google will also remove apps from the Play Store if it finds evidence of stalkerware or spyware type of behavior. Google Play Protect can block stalkerware installation and remove installed stalkerware, but it may not protect against the newest versions of stalkerware (Parsons et[.]al, 2019). While it may be harder to deploy stalkerware on iOS, it is still possible with a jailbreak done to the device. This makes the device completely vulnerable, with all of its security stripped away. Women who are under this type of surveillance by their partners would often censor their own thoughts and would not be themselves online. Monitoring someone through their phone or computer is a form of violence and causes considerable fear for victims (Coalition Against Stalkerware, 2021). The scary part of having commercially available stalkerware is that the abuser does not need any technical expertise to deploy it on their victim. As Eva Galperin, the Electronic Frontier Foundation’s Director of cybersecurity, claims:

The stalker doesn’t have to be a skilled hacker; they just need easily accessible consumer spyware and an opportunity to install it on their target’s device. The people who end up with this software on their phones can become victims of physical abuse and physical stalking. They get beaten. They can be killed. Their children can be kidnapped. It’s the small end of a very large, terrifying wedge (Greenberg, 2019).

All abusers need to do is know their victim’s passcode or password to install the stalkerware on their device. Abusers can install stalkerware in a matter of seconds to minutes when a victim does not have their device. This sets a dangerous precedent for women who are in an abusive relationship and who are attempting to talk privately to family members or friends to safely escape the relationship. If stalkerware were installed on the victim’s device and the abuser saw them sending messages to family about attempting to leave the relationship, the abuser might escalate their abusive tactics leading to severe consequences. Abusers do not even need to use stalkerware apps to find and track their partners. Instead, abusers attempt to use apps that collect location data and ping it in real time, such as Life360 or Apple’s Find My Friends. Abusers will also attempt to set up profiles or Mobile Device Management on the victim’s phones to get copies of their text messages and call records. Victim’s emails may be sent to a forwarding address so that the abuser always gets a copy of what emails the victim receives. Abusers would even try to install stalkerware on their children’s devices in order to spy on what their spouse is doing. For example, Ali Nassar Abulaban, a popular TikToker, murdered his wife and a man after he listened to them through an app he had installed on his daughter’s iPad that allowed Abulanban to wiretap the nearby conversation (Cox, 2021).

This shows the real-world threat of stalkerware, software that is installed on victim devices to listen, track, or surveil them and others. But it also highlights the risk, more specifically of family monitoring apps, software that may be marketed more for keeping tabs on children but which can play a more sinister role in domestic violence.

This leaves a woman in this digital prison forever under the watch of the abuser. Women would often bring their phones to the police if they fear it has stalkerware, but there is no guarantee officers will be able to help. Many police departments lack the training and tech resources needed to find and detect stalkerware. (Hautala, 2020). It is difficult for investigators to find the apps on phones because it may require access to expensive software. The majority of domestic violence law enforcement officers may not even know what stalkerware is.

When it comes to situations of domestic abuse, the abuser is often blamed first on the victim’s digital harassment, but the tech company behind the product is equally as guilty as the abuser. The stalkerware provided to the abuser often markets itself as an easy way to spy on their partners or even a way for parents to monitor their children (Electronic Frontier Foundation, 2021). These stalkerware companies even compare their own software to those of their competitors to get more users. This sick form of advertising gives abusers options to choose regarding what stalkerware suits their needs the best. Stalkerware companies even like to set up YouTube tutorial videos on how to deploy their stalkerware on a victim’s device. mSpy, a very popular type of stalkerware in the United States, markets itself as a way for parents to monitor children. mSpy, like most stalkerware, collects keystrokes and location data in real time, listens to phone calls, reads text messages, and spies on social media activity. mSpy even compares itself to its other popular competitor, Cocospy. As mSpy says in their FAQ:

Cocospy and mSpy are both mobile monitoring apps with similar features like Call Monitoring, real time location, and tracking Website history. mSpy provides features such as Keywords Alert, which means if the user enters ‘dangerous’ words, you’ll get alerted. Additionally, mSpy includes support for different types of encrypted messaging apps such as Line, Telegram, Skype, Facebook Messenger, and even Tinder, unlike the competitor, Cocospy. The best type of monitoring app for you will depend on your specific needs (mSpy). Stalkerware companies like mSpy even buy ads on social media platforms or just showcase their software on their website to abusers to catch their cheating partner. The companies attempt to appeal to the abuser to use their spyware by using targeted advertising.

Ad from mSpy on X: Image from Certo
Ad from mSpy on X: Image from Certo

 

Xnspy Website: Image from TechCrunch
Xnspy Website: Image from TechCrunch

This move by tech companies like Xnspy and mSpy makes the job of the abuser much easier and more user-friendly. What abusers do not realize when deploying stalkerware on their victims is that they are not the only ones seeing this personal and sensitive data. The majority of these stalkerware companies have easy access to the same data the abuser is seeing on their end. This leaves the victim being spied on by both the abuser and the stalkerware company collecting their sensitive data. On top of all of this, stalkerware companies do not do a good job of protecting the data they have collected, and it often gets leaked. According to TechCrunch, there have been at least 21 stalkerware companies since 2017 that are known to have been hacked, have leaked customer and victims’ data online, and four stalkerware companies were hacked multiple times (Bicchieral, 2024). Stalkerware companies also have a horrible security response to patching critical vulnerabilities. Some of these companies even ignore it when white hat hackers and security researchers express major concern about the exploit. This leads to the company’s data being breached by threat actors, leaving the women’s own private data to be completely compromised and stolen. By utilizing stalkerware, the abuser now puts the victim in more danger of data breaches and having their information in the hands of rogue employees and threat actors. Domestic violence victims’ personal text messages, emails, location data, and social media activities are now publicly viewable by anyone.

While it may seem that a victim is defenseless against surveillance when stalkerware is installed on their device, they can take steps to prevent and remove it by installing anti-virus software and changing their device passwords. Although stalkerware tries to hide itself on the victim’s device, the spyware could give itself away with a few symptoms. If women find that their phone’s battery is draining rapidly and has massive data usage, it could be a sign that stalkerware exists on their devices. Another sign could be constant apps crashing and the phone becoming very hot. Women can also restart their phones, which would eliminate nonpersistent stalkerware from their devices. This will not work with all types of stalkerware, but it could temporarily disable the more advanced spyware. iPhones and iPads running iOS 18 or above perform an automatic restart when the phone is locked for more than three days. After an iPhone is rebooted, it goes into an “at rest” state, also known as Before First Unlock mode, which no longer stores encryption keys in memory. This makes the disk fully encrypted, making it much more resistant to hacking attempts (Gatlan, 2024). For iOS 16 and above, Apple introduced the Safety Check feature to help individuals facing domestic abuse have control over their personal information and privacy. Safety Check allows users to review and reset permissions for those who have access to their location data, passwords, messages, and other apps. When Safety Check is enabled, iCloud access is removed from every device except your handset, privacy permissions are reset, and both FaceTime and messaging services are limited to just one device connected to an iCloud account (Osborne, 2022). This is an excellent move by Apple to help increase users’ security from both malware, such as stalkerware, and physical access.

Women can also perform a factory reset on their device to help remove more persistent stalkerware, but everything on the device will be lost. If victims use anti-virus software, the stalkerware can be detected and removed from the device. This can eliminate the invasive intrusion by the stalkerware, which relays all the victim’s personal information to the abuser. While it is good that most anti-virus software can detect and remove stalkerware, most of these stalkerware programs often alert the abuser that the spyware has been removed from their target’s device. This may cause an increase in abuse. That is why anti-virus companies such as Kaspersky have warned about removing stalkerware without having a safe plan in place. As Kaspersky states:

Kaspersky has now updated its Privacy Alert to victims if stalkerware is found on their devices so that they will now be notified if an abuser will notice if the software is removed. If the stalkerware is deleted, it erases proof that stalkerware has been installed, and if an abuser loses control over a device, the situation might escalate badly for the victim (Kaspersky, 2023).

This is extremely important to consider when attempting to prove the victim has been under such surveillance, whether it be by law enforcement or a trusted family member. Kaspersky has also released a tool called “TinyCheck” that scans a victim’s device’s outgoing traffic by using a Wi-Fi connection, and it looks for any signs of stalkerware. The device is configured to mediate between the router and the connected Wi-Fi router gadget. This enables TinyCheck to capture network traffic and instantly analyze it. If your smartphone sends a lot of data to known stalker or spyware servers, TinyCheck will detect it (Coalition Against Stalkerware, 2022). It doesn’t require installation on a user’s device because it works separately, such as on a Raspberry Pi, to avoid being detected by a stalker (Kaspersky, 2022). This is a great tool to detect and scan for signs of stalkerware present on a device without removing the stalkerware which notifies the abuser. This report can be brought as evidence if the victim wants to bring charges against the abuser. When determining women’s safety level, it is important to remember that everything the victim does on their compromised device can be recorded and watched by an abusive partner (Ruiz, 2019). Women must also change their passwords to their devices and enable two-factor authentication when possible, which would lock out their abuser from getting in. If the device is too compromised to retrieve, women must try to replace their phone with a new phone if possible. Web browsers, such as Brave browser, allow for an “Off The Record” to help people who need to hide their browsing behavior from others, such as an abuser who may have access to their computer or phone. This move by Brave allows victims to browse the web for resources and get help in domestic abuse situations.

Brave Browser’s attention to detail with OTR Mode—users can more easily choose which websites are recorded in their browsing history—is an important privacy innovation that can protect users in ‘attacker you know’ situations or anyone who wants more control over what their Browser remembers and what it doesn’t. This feature empowers people who browse the web—all of us—and gives us more agency over content consumption (Brave, 2023).

Stalkerware still represents a significant threat to women’s privacy and safety, as it enables invasive surveillance and control by abusers. The rapid increase of using this malicious software highlights the urgent need for increased awareness, education, and legal protections to safeguard personal privacy. Stalkerware should be illegal for spying on victims, and abusers should be charged under the Computer Fraud and Abuse Act for installing malicious software on someone’s device without permission. The Computer Fraud and Abuse Act of 1986 prohibits accessing a protected computer or device without authorization. Stalkerware is typically installed on a target’s device without their knowledge or consent, which constitutes unauthorized access. Additionally, the use of stalkerware can violate federal wiretapping laws and state recording laws such as the Electronic Communications Privacy Act. In New York, Jackie’s Law makes stalking by GPS illegal. Jackie’s Law updates New York State’s stalking law to allow law enforcement to pursue criminal charges against individuals who use GPS or other electronic tracking devices to stalk their victims, even if the victim does not press charges (Kennedy, 2014). This legislation closes a loophole in the law, enabling authorities to take action against abusers who use stalkerware or similar technology to track and intimidate their victims. In 2022, the Safe Connections Act was signed into law, which makes it easier for survivors of domestic violence to separate their phone line from a family plan while keeping their own phone number and requires the FCC to create safeguards to protect the privacy of the victims seeking this protection (McKinney, 2022). The Federal Trade Commission has even banned several stalkerware companies like Support King and SpyFone from operating in the United States due to the app secretly “harvested and shared data on people’s physical movements, phone use and online activities through a hidden device hack” (Federal Trade Commission, 2021).

The law must keep up in holding stalkerware companies and abusers accountable for using stalkerware. Women must be empowered with the knowledge and tools to recognize and fight stalkerware, such as using strong passwords, anti-virus software, and more. As technology continues to evolve, it is important that society collectively addresses the challenges posed by stalkerware. Together as a society, we can spread awareness and put an end to stalkerware prying on women’s private lives once and for all.

You are never alone in this fight. You can always get help.

Operation Safe Escape Hotline: 1-800-997-SAFE (7233)

Official Website of the Coalition Against Stalkerware: stopstalkerware.org

References:

Brave Software. (2023, May 24). Request “off the record.” Brave. https://brave.com/privacy-updates/26-request-off-the-record/

Coalition Against Stalkerware. (2022, March 22). The coalition against stalkerware welcomes the inclusion of cyberstalking and cyber-harassment in the new European Commission’s proposal on combating violence against women and domestic violence. Coalition Against Stalkerware. https://stopstalkerware.org/2022/03/22/the-coalition-against-stalkerware-welcomes-the-inclusion-of-cyberstalking-and-cyber-harassment-in-the-new-european-commissions-proposal-on-combating-violence-against-women-and-domestic-violen/

Coalition Against Stalkerware. (2020, May 22). What is Stalkerware? YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLtfoCw16Z0

Cox, J. (2021, October 28). Alleged Tiktok “Skyrim Irl” murders shows the real danger of Stalkerware. VICE. https://www.vice.com/en/article/jinkidd-skyrim-irl-murders-app-stalkerware/

Electronic Frontier Foundation. (2019, November 19). EFF, anti-virus companies, and human rights groups launch coalition to combat stalkerware. Electronic Frontier Foundation. https://www.eff.org/press/releases/eff-antivirus-companies-and-human-rights-groups-launch-coalition-combat-stalkerware

Electronic Frontier Foundation. (2021, May 28). EFF at home: Fighting stalkerware. https://www.eff.org/event/eff-home-fighting-stalkerware

ExpressVPN. (2023, February 1). Survey: 81% in the U.S. tell partners their passwords. ExpressVPN Blog. https://www.expressvpn.com/blog/u-s-survey-81-have-shared-passwords-with-romantic-partners/

FTC bans SpyFone and CEO from Surveillance Business and Orders Company to delete all secretly stolen data. Federal Trade Commission. (2021, September 1). https://www.ftc.gov/news-events/news/press-releases/2021/09/ftc-bans-spyfone-ceo-surveillance-business-orders-company-delete-all-secretly-stolen-data

Franceschi-Bicchierai, L. (2024, July 25). Hacked, leaked, exposed: Why you should never use stalkerware apps. TechCrunch. https://techcrunch.com/2024/07/25/hacked-leaked-exposed-why-you-should-stop-using-stalkerware-apps/

Gatlan, S. (2024, November 12). iPhones now auto-restart to block access to encrypted data after Long Idle Times. BleepingComputer. https://www.bleepingcomputer.com/news/security/iphones-now-auto-restart-to-block-access-to-encrypted-data-after-long-idle-times/

Greenberg, A. (2019, April 3). Hacker Eva Galperin has a plan to eradicate stalkerware. Wired. https://www.wired.com/story/eva-galperin-stalkerware-kaspersky-antivirus/

Hautala, L. (2020, June 5). Stalkerware sees all, and U.S. laws haven’t stopped its spread. CNET. https://www.cnet.com/news/privacy/stalkerware-sees-all-and-us-laws-havent-stopped-its-spread/

Interpol supporting coalition against Stalkerware to fight tech-enabled abuse: Coalition against stalkerware (EN). Coalition Against Stalkerware. (2021, April 23). https://stopstalkerware.org/2021/04/23/interpol-supporting-coalition-against-stalkerware-to-fight-tech-enabled-abuse/

Kaspersky. (2022). About Tinycheck. https://tiny-check.com/#/

Kaspersky. (2023, March 8). Digital violence through stalkerware showing little sign of slowing according to new Kaspersky Report. https://www.kaspersky.com/about/press-releases/digital-violence-through-stalkerware-showing-little-sign-of-slowing-according-to-new-kaspersky-report

Kaspersky. (2024, November 22). Kaspersky partners with psychologists, surveillance survivors in anti-stalking awareness initiative. https://www.kaspersky.com/about/press-releases/kaspersky-partners-with-psychologists-surveillance-survivors-in-anti-stalking-awareness-initiative

Kennedy, T. M. (2014, July 23). Governor Cuomo signs Jackie’s law, authored by Senator Kennedy and Assemblywoman peoples-stokes, to crack down on GPS stalking and domestic violence. NYSenate.gov. https://www.nysenate.gov/newsroom/press-releases/2014/timothy-m-kennedy/governor-cuomo-signs-jackies-law-authored-senator

mSpy. (n.d.). Cocospy vs. mSpy: Are Cocospy and mSpy the same thing? The Battle of the Best. https://www.mspy.com/cocospy.html

McKinney, I. (2022, December 8). Victory! The Safe Connections Act is now law. Electronic Frontier Foundation. https://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2022/12/victory-safe-connections-act-now-law

Nield, D. (2020, July 19). How to check your devices for Stalkerware. Wired. https://www.wired.com/story/how-to-check-for-stalkerware/

Osborne, C. (2022, June 7). Apple’s safety check combats domestic abuse, but timing its use is critical. ZDNET. https://www.zdnet.com/article/apples-safety-check-combats-domestic-abuse-but-timing-its-use-is-critical/

Parsons, C., Molnar, A., Dalek, J., Knockel, J., Kenyon, M., Haselton, B., Khoo, C., & Deibert, R. (2019, June 12). The predator in your pocket: A multidisciplinary assessment of the stalkerware application industry. The Citizen Lab. https://citizenlab.ca/docs/stalkerware-holistic.pdf

Ruiz, D. (2019, June 30). Helping survivors of domestic abuse: What to do when you find stalkerware. Malwarebytes Labs. https://www.malwarebytes.com/blog/stalkerware/2019/07/helping-survivors-of-domestic-abuse-what-to-do-when-you-find-stalkerware

Visit Tinycheck’s Brand New Page – a free, open-source tool for detecting stalkerware on your mobile device: Coalition Against Stalkerware. (2022, June 28). https://stopstalkerware.org/2022/06/28/visit-tinychecks-brand-new-page-a-free-open-source-tool-for-detecting-stalkerware-on-your-mobile-device/

Divorce and Abuse in the U.S.: Key Statistics and Trends

Divorce and Abuse in the U.S.: Key Statistics and Trends

National Statistics on Abuse-Related Divorce

Recent research and surveys consistently show that a significant share of U.S. divorces involve domestic abuse (physical, emotional, or psychological) as a contributing factor. Key findings include:

(Note: National divorce statistics by “cause” are based on surveys and research studies. Most U.S. states have no-fault divorce laws and do not require an official reason to be recorded, so we rely on studies asking divorced individuals why their marriages ended.)* (Does Domestic Violence Cause Divorce? – Teen Dating Violence Awareness) ( Reasons for Divorce and Recollections of Premarital Intervention: Implications for Improving Relationship Education – PMC )

 

State-by-State and Regional Trends

Detailed state-by-state data on divorce causes are limited because many divorces are filed under general “irreconcilable differences.” However, available evidence suggests some regional patterns and noteworthy state data:

(Note: The variability by state is influenced by both cultural factors (prevalence of domestic violence, attitudes toward divorce) and legal factors (ease of obtaining divorce for abuse). Because most states don’t track the “cause of divorce” in statistics, regional insights are drawn from surveys, academic research, and specific state reports.)*

Breakdown by Type of Abuse Cited in Divorces

“Abuse” in the context of divorce can encompass physical violence, emotional/psychological abuse, and sometimes sexual or financial abuse. These often overlap, but divorce research and laws typically group them under domestic violence or cruelty. Here’s what we know about the types of abuse leading to divorce:

In summary, roughly 20–25% of U.S. divorces in recent years have had domestic abuse as a core issue, according to multiple sources ( Reasons for Divorce and Recollections of Premarital Intervention: Implications for Improving Relationship Education – PMC ) (The Most Common Reasons for Divorce, Ranked – Business Insider). This range includes cases of physical violence, as well as severe emotional or psychological abuse (often a combination of both). While national data is clear that abuse is a factor in about a quarter of divorces, obtaining precise percentages by state is challenging. No-fault divorce laws mean most states don’t record the reason for each split. Still, regional surveys and related data on domestic violence suggest that abuse-related divorce is a nationwide concern. States like Oklahoma, Kentucky, and Alaska – which have some of the highest domestic violence rates – likely see a higher proportion of divorces due to abuse. In contrast, states with lower DV incidence see slightly fewer (but still significant) cases (In Which State Is Domestic Violence Most Common?) (Domestic Violence Statistics: A Comprehensive Investigation). Ultimately, whether the timeframe is the past five years or the past decade, the narrative is consistent: domestic abuse (physical or mental) remains one of the leading causes of divorce in the U.S., second only to issues like infidelity and lack of commitment (Does Domestic Violence Cause Divorce? – Teen Dating Violence Awareness) ( Reasons for Divorce and Recollections of Premarital Intervention: Implications for Improving Relationship Education – PMC ).

Sources: Government and academic studies on divorce reasons; national surveys of divorced couples; state court reports; and data from domestic violence coalitions. For example, the National Center for Health Statistics and CDC provide overall divorce rates. At the same time, research by the National Domestic Violence Hotline and the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence highlights how frequently abuse victims seek divorce (Abuse is the most common reason for divorce, survey reports | Hill Macdonald, LLC) (Divorce Statistics 2025: Everything You Need To Know). Academic studies (e.g., by Scott et al., cited in Journal of Family Psychology) give detailed breakdowns of divorce causes, showing the share attributable to physical and emotional abuse ( Reasons for Divorce and Recollections of Premarital Intervention: Implications for Improving Relationship Education – PMC ). State-specific insights (Mississippi courts, etc.) and regional DV prevalence data (Domestic Violence Statistics: A Comprehensive Investigation) (Domestic Violence Statistics: A Comprehensive Investigation) help complete the picture of how abuse and divorce intersect across the country.

This data is based on a synthesis of multiple studies and surveys rather than a single report. Here’s a list of the types of sources that were incorporated into that synthesis:

  1. National Surveys on Divorce and Domestic Violence:
    • Surveys such as the Divorce360/GfK Roper survey have historically collected data on why individuals cite abuse or domestic violence as a reason for divorce.
    • Additional surveys and polls that assess the “final straw” or primary reasons for divorce often include questions about domestic abuse.
  2. Academic Studies:
    • Research published in academic journals like the Journal of Family Psychology (for example, studies by researchers such as Scott and colleagues) has examined the long-term effects of domestic violence on marital dissolution and the prevalence of abuse-related divorces.
    • Longitudinal studies tracking couples over multiple years have provided estimates of the percentage of divorces influenced by domestic violence or abuse.
  3. Government and Public Health Data:
    • Reports from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and the National Center for Health Statistics offer broader data on domestic violence prevalence, which is used as a proxy when discussing its impact on divorce.
    • Some state-level reports or court data (e.g., data from states like Mississippi that record fault-based divorce reasons) give insight into how often abuse is explicitly cited as the cause.
  4. Domestic Violence and Advocacy Organizations:
    • Organizations such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline and the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence provide statistics and research findings regarding domestic violence and its broader societal impact, including its role in divorce.
  5. State-Specific Data:
    • In a few cases, states that maintain records on fault-based divorces or have made legislative changes to better document abuse as a cause for divorce (e.g., Mississippi) have published data that helps break down regional trends.

Because much of the data comes from aggregated reports and survey results—and because many divorce filings are processed under no-fault laws without an official “cause” recorded—the exact percentages can vary between sources and methodologies.

HB 315: A Dangerous Trap for Survivors of Domestic Abuse

Urgent Need for Survivor Protections in HB 315


https://zontausa.org/us-domestic-violence-statistics-by-state/
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10087196/
https://worldpopulationreview.com/state-rankings/domestic-violence-by-state

 

Urgent Need for Survivor Protections in HB 315

The Urgent Need for Survivor Protections in HB 315

As an organization dedicated to the safety and empowerment of survivors of intimate partner violence and human trafficking, Operation Safe Escape strongly urges the Tennessee legislature to reconsider the dangerous implications of HB 315, the Tennessee Covenant Marriage Act. While the bill’s stated intent may be to reinforce the institution of marriage, its provisions create serious and life-threatening risks for survivors of domestic abuse.

Domestic violence is not limited to physical or sexual abuse—it encompasses a wide range of coercive tactics, including psychological manipulation, financial control, and emotional abuse. HB 315, as currently written, fails to recognize these realities and instead imposes severe restrictions on divorce, mandates counseling even in abusive situations, and lacks critical safeguards to prevent survivors from being coerced into restrictive marital agreements. Without significant revisions, this bill will effectively trap survivors in dangerous relationships, deepen their dependence on abusers, and increase the risk of serious harm or even death.

To ensure that HB 315 does not become a tool for abusers, we urge lawmakers to incorporate the following critical protections into the bill. These revisions will help mitigate the risk of survivors being forced into or remaining in abusive marriages without viable options for escape.

1. Expand the Definition of Abuse in the Bill

  • Current Concern: HB 315 narrowly defines abuse as only physical or sexual violence, ignoring psychological, emotional, financial, and coercive control tactics.
  • Suggested Action: The bill should be amended to recognize a broader definition of abuse, including coercive control, financial abuse, and emotional abuse, in alignment with modern domestic violence laws and research.

2. Explicitly Prohibit Mandated Counseling in Abuse Cases

  • Current Concern: Joint counseling is often weaponized by abusers and can further endanger survivors.
  • Suggested Action: The bill should include an explicit exemption for survivors of domestic abuse, ensuring that they are not forced into counseling with their abuser.

3. Ensure Survivors Can Exit Covenant Marriages Without Excessive Legal Barriers

  • Current Concern: The bill’s restrictive divorce provisions could trap survivors in abusive marriages.
  • Suggested Action: Survivors of any form of abuse, including coercive control, stalking, and financial manipulation, should have the right to dissolve the marriage without additional hurdles, such as waiting periods or court-ordered counseling.

4. Strengthen Protections Against Coerced Entry Into Covenant Marriages

  • Current Concern: Abusers often control financial and legal decisions, coercing survivors into restrictive agreements.
  • Suggested Action: Require independent, informed consent measures before entering a covenant marriage, including:
    • A mandatory screening process to assess coercion.
    • Separate legal counsel (paid for by the state if necessary) to ensure both parties are making an informed decision.
    • An opt-out period (e.g., 30 days) where one party can void the agreement without the other’s consent.

5. Include Economic Protections for Survivors

  • Current Concern: Restricting divorce may deepen financial abuse, leaving survivors trapped.
  • Suggested Action: Include emergency financial relief options for survivors seeking divorce, such as:
    • Waived court fees for survivors filing for divorce.
    • Temporary financial assistance programs.
    • Legal aid access to help survivors navigate the system.

6. Add Protections for Survivors Seeking Restraining Orders

  • Current Concern: Abusers may use the restrictive marriage framework to challenge or delay restraining orders.
  • Suggested Action: Ensure that protective orders supersede any covenant marriage restrictions, allowing survivors to legally separate and receive necessary protection immediately.

Protecting Survivors and Strengthening Justice

Any legislation concerning marriage and divorce must prioritize the safety and autonomy of all individuals, especially those at risk of domestic violence. Without the proposed amendments, HB 315 will do more harm than good, creating legal barriers that will disproportionately impact survivors—individuals who already face enormous hurdles when trying to leave an abusive relationship.

Tennessee has the opportunity to lead with compassion and justice, ensuring that no survivor is trapped in a legally sanctioned cycle of abuse. We urge lawmakers to revise HB 315 to reflect modern understandings of domestic violence, acknowledge the risks of coercion, and provide survivors with the legal pathways necessary to secure their safety and independence.

Domestic violence should never be excused, minimized, or legislated into permanence. We stand ready to assist in shaping policies that truly protect survivors and would welcome the opportunity to discuss these concerns further. Thank you for your time and commitment to ensuring that Tennessee remains a state that prioritizes the safety and well-being of its most vulnerable residents.

HB 315: A Dangerous Trap for Survivors of Domestic Abuse

Facts and Statistics

https://www.mcleanhospital.org/essential/domestic-violence

https://www.un.org/en/coronavirus/what-is-domestic-abuse

 

 

HB 315: A Dangerous Trap for Survivors of Domestic Abuse

ose - HB 315 - two newlyweds facing away from cameraLegislation should protect and empower survivors of domestic violence, not trap them in dangerous situations. Unfortunately, HB 315 – The Tennessee Covenant Marriage Act does just that. This bill, under the guise of strengthening marriage, imposes severe restrictions on divorce and mandates counseling, even for survivors of abuse—potentially forcing them into harmful interactions with their abusers.

Operation Safe Escape has formally urged the Tennessee House Children & Families Subcommittee to reject HB 315, highlighting how its provisions fail to account for coercion, financial abuse, and psychological control, which are common tactics used by abusers. The bill limits the definition of abuse to only physical and sexual violence, ignoring the broader reality of domestic abuse. Moreover, its restrictive divorce requirements would make it nearly impossible for many survivors to legally escape.

Survivors of intimate partner violence already face overwhelming barriers when trying to leave an abusive relationship. Adding more legal roadblocks, as HB 315 does, increases their risk of further harm, prolonged economic dependence, and even fatal violence. Restricting divorce and failing to recognize the complexities of abuse endangers lives.

We are calling on Tennessee legislators to reject HB 315 in its current form and instead focus on policies that provide real protection and pathways to safety for survivors. Lawmakers must ensure that any marriage-related legislation considers the realities of domestic violence, coercion, and financial control—not just physical harm.

To read our full letter to legislators, including specific concerns and recommendations, continue below. Survivors deserve safety, not more barriers.

Continue reading

Happy Holidays from Operation Safe Escape!

chris cox in a festive outfit standing next to a decorated christmas tree.Hello everyone,

We helped 100s of people escape abuse and trafficking this year. Now we need your help to reach more.

As the year comes to a close and the holiday season is upon us, I reflect on the importance of community, compassion, and hope. For many survivors of domestic violence, human trafficking, and child exploitation, this season can be challenging. Your support ensures they do not face it alone.

This year, because of your generosity, we were able to:

– Help 300 survivors of domestic violence (and their pets and children!) get to a safe place and enjoy the holidays free from fear
– Launch a new program to help prosecute child sexual abuse material (CSAM) distributors
– Support 60 unique partners and allies, including public safety, social workers, shelter/safe house staff, and more

Your kindness makes a profound difference in the lives of those we serve. Together, we create a world where safety, dignity, and care are within reach for everyone.

As we celebrate the spirit of giving this season, we invite you to continue making an impact. A year-end gift can help more people find the support they need to rebuild their lives.

Make a year-end gift now: https://safeescape.org/help/donate (and automatically check if your workplace is a part of our donation-matching program!).

Thank you for standing with us in this vital mission. I want to wish you and your loved ones a holiday filled with peace, joy, and love.

Warm regards,
Chris Cox
Director
Operation Safe Escape

P.S. Donations made by December 31 are tax-deductible for this year. Your support today changes lives tomorrow!

Understanding DARVO: Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender

Understanding the techniques, tactics, and methods abusers use can take away their power and help people better protect themselves. In recent years, there has been an increased focus on understanding the dynamics of abuse, manipulation, and coercion. One concept that has gained attention in this realm is DARVO, an acronym that stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. Coined by Dr. Jennifer Freyd, this term describes a common pattern of response often observed in situations involving interpersonal conflict, particularly in cases of abuse or misconduct. In this article, we’ll delve into what DARVO is, how it works, and its implications for both victims and bystanders.

DARVO is a three-step strategy that perpetrators may use to deflect accountability, shift blame, and manipulate the perception of events. Let’s look at each component:

Deny: First, the abuser denies any wrongdoing or responsibility for the situation at hand. Perpetrators may outright deny the allegations against them, minimize their actions, or distort the facts to create doubt or confusion. By denying their involvement or the severity of their behavior, perpetrators seek to undermine the credibility of the victim’s accusations.

Attack: After denying the allegations, perpetrators often launch a counterattack against the accuser. This attack can take various forms, including character assassination, gaslighting, or trying to shift the focus onto the victim’s behavior or motives. By attacking the credibility, integrity, or sanity of the victim, perpetrators aim to discredit their claims and regain control of the narrative.

Reverse Victim and Offender: Finally, perpetrators attempt to reverse the roles of victim and offender, casting themselves as the “true victims” of the situation. They may portray themselves as misunderstood, unjustly accused, or even as the ones who are being persecuted. By flipping the narrative in this way, perpetrators seek to garner sympathy, support, or leniency from others.

Understanding DARVO is crucial for recognizing and addressing patterns of manipulation and abuse. By recognizing these tactics, victims and bystanders can better identify when DARVO is being employed and resist its effects. Additionally, raising awareness about DARVO can help shift societal attitudes and beliefs surrounding issues of abuse and misconduct, fostering a culture of accountability and support for survivors.

When faced with DARVO, it’s essential for victims and allies to remain steadfast in their truth and not be swayed by the tactics of manipulation. Here are some strategies for responding to DARVO:

  1. Document the facts: Keep records of any evidence or documentation that supports your claims, such as emails, text messages, or witness statements.
  2. Seek support: Reach out to trusted friends, family members, or professionals who can provide emotional support and guidance throughout the process.
  3. Set boundaries: Establish clear boundaries with the perpetrator to protect yourself from further harm or manipulation.
  4. Advocate for yourself: Stand firm in your truth and advocate for your rights, whether it’s seeking legal recourse, reporting the abuse to authorities, or seeking counseling.

DARVO is a manipulative tactic used by perpetrators to evade accountability and control the narrative in situations of conflict or abuse. By understanding how DARVO operates and learning to recognize its signs, victims and bystanders can empower themselves to challenge and resist these harmful dynamics. Through education, awareness, and support, we can work towards creating a safer and more just society for all.

Girl using a social media service on a laptop

What is grooming and how can I protect my children from it?

Breanna (not her real name) never really thought about (and certainly never planned to) share sensitive photos online. Just like she never thought so many strangers would see them if she did or how long they could stay on the internet. She had more important things on her mind; things like playing Roblox with friends and an upcoming social studies test.

While the grooming didn’t start right away, everything happened quickly once she realized something was wrong. Breanna had only thought she had made a new friend- one that was a little bit older and more mature. He complemented her, listened to her… made her feel grown up. By the time he started making demands, she felt it was too late to ask for help. By the time her parents found out, Breanna had been a victim of grooming and child exploitation.

In today’s world, children are increasingly exposed to various forms of communication and social interaction. Grooming has emerged as a major concern for parents, educators, and communities alike. Grooming refers to the process by which an individual builds a relationship, trust, and emotional connection with a child to later exploit them sexually, emotionally, or physically. Recognizing the signs of grooming and understanding how to protect children from harm is an important part of protecting their well-being.

Understanding Grooming

Grooming can be difficult to detect because it can happen online and offline, or sometimes both. The perpetrators often use manipulation, coercion, and deceit to establish trust with their victims, and threats or guilt to maintain control. All this is psychologically damaging to children, and can manifest in depression, self-harm, and other concerning behaviors. It typically involves several stages, including targeting the victim, gaining their trust, isolating them from others, and eventually exploiting them. Perpetrators may employ various tactics, such as offering gifts, attention, or affection, to lure children into a false sense of security.

In some cases, the victim is led to believe that providing whatever the perpetrator demands will be enough and it will stop on its own. In other cases, the victim feels some sort of bond with the perpetrator and believes that person has their best interests in mind. The first is very unlikely, and the second is never the case. In the end, children often end up believing that the abuse is their fault, which is never the case.

Recognize the Signs

Recognizing the signs of grooming, whether online or off, is an essential skill for parents, caregivers, educators, or anyone else that works with children. Some common signs that a child is being groomed for further abuse include:

  1. Excessive attention or gifts from an adult towards a child, which may be delivered in secret or through delivery lockers
  2. Secrecy or reluctance to discuss activities or interactions with certain individuals
  3. Sudden changes in behavior, mood swings, or withdrawal from family and friends
  4. Inappropriate discussions or questions, especially of a sexual nature
  5. Any attempts to isolate the child from peers and family members

Protecting Children

Preventing grooming and protecting children requires a multi-faceted approach involving education, communication, and vigilance. Here are some strategies to help safeguard children:

Education: Teach children about personal boundaries, safe touch, and the importance of open communication. Encourage them to speak up if they feel uncomfortable or threatened by someone’s behavior.

Communication: Maintain open and honest communication with children. Encourage them to share their experiences and concerns without fear of judgment. Listen actively and validate their feelings.

Supervision: Monitor children’s online and offline activities (while still respecting their privacy, which isn’t always an easy balance!), especially when interacting with unfamiliar individuals or platforms. Establish guidelines for internet usage and encourage safe online practices.

Establish Boundaries: Set clear boundaries regarding interactions with adults and strangers. Teach children to trust their instincts and seek help if they feel uncomfortable or unsafe.

Community Involvement: Foster a supportive community environment where individuals look out for each other’s well-being. Encourage collaboration between parents, schools, law enforcement, and community organizations to raise awareness and prevent grooming.

Reporting: Educate children about the importance of reporting any suspicious behavior or incidents to a trusted adult. Empower them to seek help if they or someone they know is being groomed or exploited.

Conclusion

Grooming is a complex and insidious form of abuse that can have long-lasting effects on children’s physical and emotional well-being. By understanding the signs of grooming and taking proactive measures to protect children, we can create safer environments where they can grow and thrive without fear of exploitation. It is our collective responsibility to prioritize the safety and well-being of our children and empower them to recognize and resist potential dangers. Through education, communication, and community support, we can work together to prevent grooming and ensure a brighter future for our children.

 

purple dragon logo

Operation Safe Escape Developing OPSEC Program for DV Shelters and Safe Houses

Operation Safe Escape has completed the first step in creating a comprehensive Operations Security (OPSEC) program for domestic violence shelters and safe houses. This program (which, like all of our programs and tools, will be available for free) is designed to help our partners and allies better protect their staff, clients, and locations.
OPSEC is a five-step process designed to identify which information needs to be protected, the vulnerabilities that may compromise it, and develop effective countermeasures that address the specific threat. It’s a process that works, and one that has been used to protect business ventures, military operations, neighborhoods, and much more. The techniques and tools that are a part of the process have been proven effective against all manner of threats. However, this is the first program intended to optimize the process for domestic violence shelters and safe houses and provide everything needed to easily and effectively implement a program.

During the American Revolution, George Washington once said, “Even minutiae should have a place in our collection, for things of a seemingly trifling nature, when enjoined with others of a more serious cast, may lead to valuable conclusion.” In other words, we can’t overlook even the smallest details because our adversaries are always watching. By protecting our information, we protect our people. “OPSEC is about risk,” adds OSE Director Chris Cox. “We brought together some of the most experienced OPSEC subject matter experts in the world to help solve this problem, and we’re looking forward to making this available to those that need it most.”

Operation Safe Escape will always seek out new opportunities to protect vulnerable individuals and their allies. This is one more component in the effort to make sure everyone is free from abuse, safe in their relationships, and free to choose their own destiny.

Recognizing Red Flags: Signs of an Abusive Relationship

Entering into a romantic relationship should be an exciting and fulfilling experience. However, it’s crucial to be vigilant about potential red flags that may indicate an unhealthy and abusive dynamic. Recognizing these signs early on can help individuals make informed decisions about their well-being and safety. In this article, we’ll explore some common red flags that may signal an abusive relationship.

Isolation and Control:
Abusers often seek to control their partner by isolating them from friends and family. If your partner discourages or prevents you from spending time with loved ones, questions your every move, or monitors your activities excessively, it may be a sign of controlling behavior.

Extreme Jealousy and Possessiveness:
Healthy relationships are built on trust, but excessive jealousy and possessiveness can be warning signs. If your partner becomes overly jealous, accuses you without cause, or insists on knowing your whereabouts at all times, it could indicate an unhealthy level of control.

Verbal and Emotional Abuse:
Abuse isn’t always physical; verbal and emotional abuse can be just as damaging. If your partner consistently belittles, criticizes, or humiliates you, it’s a red flag. Emotional manipulation, such as guilt-tripping or blaming, is also cause for concern.

Physical Violence:
Perhaps the most obvious red flag is physical violence. Any form of physical harm, including hitting, slapping, or pushing, is unacceptable. It’s essential to seek help immediately if you experience or witness physical abuse.

Manipulative Behavior:
Abusers often manipulate their partners to maintain control. This can include gaslighting, where the abuser denies or distorts reality to make the victim doubt their own perceptions. Manipulative behavior is aimed at undermining the victim’s self-esteem and confidence.

Unpredictable Mood Swings:
Frequent and unpredictable mood swings in a relationship can be indicative of emotional instability. If your partner goes from extremely loving to excessively angry or aggressive without apparent cause, it’s a red flag for potential abuse.

Financial Control:
Financial independence is a crucial aspect of personal freedom. If your partner controls your finances, limits your access to money, or makes major financial decisions without your input, it may be a sign of abusive behavior.

Intimidation and Threats:
The use of intimidation tactics, threats, or displays of aggression can create a climate of fear. If your partner threatens to harm you, your loved ones, or themselves, take these threats seriously and seek help immediately.

Recognizing and acknowledging these red flags is the first step towards breaking free from, or avoiding, an abusive relationship. If you identify with any of these warning signs, it’s essential to reach out to friends, family, or professionals who can provide support and guidance. Everyone deserves a healthy and respectful relationship, and understanding these red flags empowers individuals to prioritize their well-being and safety. If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, we’re here to help.

art-abuser-and-victims and duress codes

Duress Codes and How to Use Them

Duress Codes can be an effective tool in awareness, defense, and escape

In the 1968 Star Trek episode Bread and Circuses, Captain Kirk uses duress codes when he is captured by a previously unknown civilization that modeled itself on Earth’s ancient Rome. Worse, a former Starfleet captain is leading the civilization, so he’s wary when the Enterprise hails Kirk to ask if everything is okay. Kirk replied, “Condition Green,” satisfying the former captain that no rescue would be attempted.
What the former captain didn’t realize is that “Code Green” was a pre-arranged code that actually meant “I’m in danger.”

Duress codes have been and continue to be used in fiction, real-life espionage, and even within families for ages. Reportedly, even Queen Elizabeth II had a subtle signal involving the way she was holding her handbag to signal to her staff that she wanted to leave a conversation or social situation. Basically, these “codes” are any pre-arranged message, behavior, or signal that means something to the intended receiver but won’t appear suspicious to anyone else watching. For people in an abusive household or relationship, duress codes may be one effective and safe way to summon help.

The three main characteristics of a duress code are that it needs to be pre-arranged, unlikely to be used by accident, and undetectable by anyone for whom the message isn’t intended.  

Duress Codes should be pre-arranged

The message is coordinated between the survivor and their support system and only to those they absolutely trust to help. The survivor and their support system then agree on one or more codes and their meanings. The code should be something that makes sense to be used without standing out as unusual.

They should be unlikely to be used by accident

Duress codes should be unique enough to avoid false positives- that is, accidentally using the code word when there’s not actually an emergency. This can be a challenge because the code, when trying to choose something the survivor will believably share, say, or do without being common enough that it might be used inadvertently.

Duress Codes should be undetectable by anyone the message isn’t intended for

A duress code is essential in cases where the abuser is strictly controlling or monitoring the survivor’s actions, online accounts, and conversations. It should be assumed that the abuser is going to see the code, and it’s critical they are unable to recognize it as one.

A duress code can be anything the survivor and their support system agrees on, and they can have as many codes as they can manage and as they need. Some examples may include:

– “If I post a picture of a flower, please check on me.”

– “If I mention in a text that the network went down at work, call the police.”

– “If I wear this necklace, I need help immediately.”

– “If I click ‘like’ on your profile picture, I’m in trouble and need you to pick me up.”

Or anything else that’s pre-arranged, unlikely to be used by accident, and undetectable by the abuser. It’s important to define not only what the code is but also exactly what needs to be done when it’s used.

The empowerment and security that comes from having a well-thought-out safety plan, including using duress codes, cannot be overstated. These codes are more than just secret signals; they are a bridge to safety for those who might find themselves in perilous situations, providing a discreet way to ask for help without alerting potential threats. Remember, you’re not alone in navigating these challenges. Organizations like Operation Safe Escape are here to support you, offering guidance, resources, and assistance in developing effective safety strategies tailored to your unique circumstances. Safety is a fundamental right, and through collaboration, preparation, and the use of tools like duress codes, we can work together to protect that right for everyone. If you or someone you know needs help in crafting a safety plan or understanding the use of duress codes, please reach out. Together, we can create a network of support that empowers individuals to live safely and confidently in any situation.

If you need assistance creating a duress code, Operation Safe Escape is here to help.

More about Duress Codes:

Peoplesafe
https://peoplesafe.co.uk/blogs/what-is-a-duress-code

Kraden Blog
https://blog.kraden.com/duress-code

International Foundation for Protection Officers (IFPO)
https://ifpo.org/resource-links/articles-and-reports/officer-issues/duress-phrases/

 

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