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Survivors, Why don’t they just leave?

Survivors hiding her face and pushing away.
Survivor hiding her face and pushing away.

For survivors, leaving an abusive relationship can be complex, challenging, and even dangerous. But once in a while, people looking in from the outside don’t fully understand the challenges survivors face when making such an important decision. Advice or comments like “Why don’t you just leave?” or “Just get a divorce” might seem to make sense to someone unfamiliar with the specific situation. Still, it can also leave the survivor feeling unheard and ultimately misunderstood.

So why don’t survivors of intimate partner violence “just leave”? The thing is, it’s not always quite that easy.

Lots of Concerns

The first and most important concern for survivors of intimate partner violence (IPV) is their safety – them and their children. Unfortunately, there are nearly 17,000 homicides associated with IPV every year, often once the abuser realizes they’re losing control over their victim. While sometimes the safest option is to leave immediately, the survivor has a better idea of their circumstances and what their partner is capable of than most people. When children and pets are involved, their safety is also affected by the survivor’s decisions. In fact, many abusers use threats against children and pets in an effort to control their partner. This is further complicated by fears of custody issues or cultural pressures.

Another concern survivors have to contend with is a potential lack of resources, such as finances, housing, and transportation. Research shows that between 94 and 99% of abuse cases include an element of financial abuse, where the abuser controls or limits the survivor’s access to finances. This can lead the survivor to weigh even their physical safety against their other survival needs. When the survivor doesn’t yet have the resources lined up, even temporarily, escaping can be an even greater challenge.

What are the Options?

Even if it’s the safest option, leaving an abusive relationship can also be difficult emotionally or psychologically. Abusive relationships are often cyclical, where acts of abuse are followed by seeming remorse and “love bombing.” or excessive forms of affection and gift-giving to manipulate the target. Until the survivor notices the pattern, it can lead to a sense that things “aren’t that bad” or have somehow gotten better. Another thing that can make abuse difficult to confront is the concept of trauma bonding, where the cycle of abuse and reinforcement- as well as the “shared” experience surrounding abuse- leads to an unhealthy bond with the abuser.

Leaving any relationship- especially an abusive one- can be difficult and complicated. But no one knows better than the person leaving just how difficult and complicated it may be. Understanding the many challenges they face can help allies, relatives, and friends of survivors focus on what’s truly helpful.

But what would that be?

How To Help

If someone confides in you that they’re in an abusive relationship:

  • Make time to talk. If you don’t have privacy or time to talk at that moment, make time for them as soon as possible
  • Share your concerns about their safety.
  • Be specific in what type of help you can offer, whether it’s support, resources, a ride, or anything else.
  • Don’t blame the victim or push them into leaving before they’re ready or it’s safe.
  • If they’re in immediate danger, help them find nearby emergency resources.
  • Help them make a safety plan, which is something Operation Safe Escape or a local domestic violence advocate can assist with.
  • Encourage them to seek therapy and medical services as needed.
  • Encourage them to reach out for help, which can include:

    • Keep in mind that they might not decide to leave at that time. Accepting that can be difficult, but they may be willing to discuss their reasons with you. If those reasons include a lack of resources or support, they may be encouraged to find out those resources are available. But either way, let them know you’re available to help, you care, and that you’ll support them no matter what. Knowing people are there for them can be a real lifesaver.

    Someone you know is struggling today. Celebrate Be an Angel Day, be an angel in their life by helping them recover from abuse.

    National Be an Angel Day is TODAY!!!!!!

    Today is the 29th annual “National Be an Angel Day.” This is a day when we not only remember the people that made a difference in our own lives, but also a day where we reflect on the many ways we can help others around us. Someone you know is struggling today; how can you help?

    You can make a difference in the life of a survivor. It starts with listening.

     

    How do you recognize domestic violence?

    Abusers will generally put on a sort of “mask” in public, reserving the most obvious forms of abuse for in private. This is itself a form of manipulation, so it’s important to recognize the signs of abuse that might not be so obvious:

    • Their partner insults them in front of others, or even in public
    • They are constantly worried about upsetting their partner or making them angry
    • They keep making excuses about their partner’s behavior or minimize their comments
    • Their partner appears to be jealous and possessive, or even controls who they’re able to associate with
    • The relationship seems to be moving very quickly, and they’re pressured to make commitments early on in the relationship
    • You notice unexplained marks or injuries, such as bruises or cuts
    • They stop spending time with friends and family, or significantly reducing the time they spend with friends and family without a clear reason
    • They seem depressed or anxious, or demonstrate other personality changes
    • They have unexplained financial problems, often a symptom of financial abuse

    Don’t wait for someone close to you to tell you what’s going on. If you see something concerning, say something!

     

    Teen Dating Violence and Abuse

    Teenage relationships can often be more volatile than adult ones. It’s just as important to share information and resources with teens, especially if you have reason to suspect the relationship is abusive in any way. Some signs of abuse include:

    • Changes in behavior, such as unexplained moodiness, temper, depression, or withdrawing from friend or family groups
    • Pressure to take the relationship “to the next level,” either physically or with long-term commitments
    • Showing up unannounced and uninvited
    • The relationship is extremely volatile; they’re constantly fighting or breaking up and getting back together. The cycle is often restarted with a grand gesture by the partner, which may include expensive gifts or frequent efforts to contact them
    • New signs of body or appearance insecurity
    • The partner starts speaking for the teen, especially when discussing plans or opinions
    • They’re monitoring the teen’s devices, tracking their location, and otherwise invading their privacy
    • They are pressured to respond to text messages or other contact immediately, and become distressed when they’re not able to receive and respond to messages quickly
    • Their possessions get vandalized or destroyed by their partner
    • Unexplained or hidden injuries

     

    What can I do?

    If you know or suspect that someone close to you is in an abusive relationship, taking the next step can be hard and you may even be afraid of offending someone you care about. It’s always okay to share your concerns, and it might even save their life.

    • Tell them you’re concerned about their safety, and what specifically worries you. This can help them see that the behaviors aren’t okay and that people care
    • Be specific with how you want to help, whether you can offer resources, space, comfort, childcare, or anything else
    • Encourage them to talk to someone that can help, such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline, Operation Safe Escape, a local agency, etc
    • Encourage them to do things they used to enjoy but may have stopped doing
    • Give them your attention. Find a time when you won’t be distracted while talking
    • Don’t try to force them to do anything; it can be hard, but they might not be ready or able to make a change at that time. Let them know you’ll be there for them when they are. Also, don’t try to shame or blame them for anything that happened
    • Let them know you’ll always be there for them, whether they stay or are ready to leave

     

    Resources: 

    Make a safety plan. Note: when making a safety plan, which may include storing important documents or clothing, be careful not to give clues to the abuser. If they would notice important documents missing or see a “go bag” hidden in the home, this can escalate the abuser

    The National Domestic Violence Hotline. The Hotline offers anonymous chat, text, and other resources

    The Coalition Against Stalkerware. Not only does the Coalition do great work in combating stalkerware apps and tools, take a look at the members for even more resources

    Elon plans to remove the Block function from Twitter (X) – A potentially unsafe decision.

    Elon Musk made an announcement that X (aka Twitter) will be removing the block feature for public posts, leaving the function only available for direct messages. Elon is - frankly - wrong.On August 18, 2023, Twitter… we mean “X” owner Elon Musk made an announcement that the site will be removing the block feature for public posts, leaving the function only available for direct messages. He later clarified his (flawed) belief that the mute button is good enough to protect Twitter’s users.

    Elon is, frankly, wrong.

    Survivors of domestic violence and stalking block accounts for their own safety and mental health. It can help people share their story, connect with their support system, and enjoy the internet without the constant harassment of people who want to cause them harm or distress. And while not a perfect solution, it gives them some measure of control over their online presence even when the harasser creates new accounts for the same purpose. This is why we typically recommend survivors of abuse, stalking, and harassment block and report any accounts sending abusive messages.

    Instead of blocking, Elon says that Twitter users should mute abusive accounts. The biggest problem with this approach is that the abuser can still send messages, which often includes threats, lies, and even non-consensual pornographic images. If the account is muted, the survivor won’t be able to see or address them, but everyone else on their timeline can. In effect, it gives control of the narrative over to the abuser while taking away from the voice of the survivor. This plan also makes it easy for abusers to view posts and replies from the survivor and their support system while remaining logged into their own account.

    Blocking isn’t a perfect solution- there are ways around it, and stalkers or abusers know that. But taking away a tool that survivors of crime use to protect themselves is not okay. We’ve reached out to the Twitter team- and to Elon himself- to make it clear that this plan will put people at risk. Whether or not he listens remains to be seen.

    Personally, we believe that Twitter will ultimately end up doing the right thing, but maybe not for the right reason. It’s been pointed out that the iOS app store requires that social media services require “The ability to block abusive users from the service.” Elon may argue that allowing users to block direct messages meets this requirement but we, and many Twitter users, can see that this isn’t enough to protect users.

    Elon, millions of survivors of domestic violence, stalking, online abuse, and harassment are watching.

    Additional Links:
    https://www.cnbc.com/2023/08/18/elon-musk-says-x-users-will-be-losing-the-ability-to-block-content-.html
    https://www.theverge.com/2023/8/18/23837494/elon-musk-twitter-x-remove-blocking

    Musk says X’s ‘block’ feature is going away

    Social Media Abuse Resources

    The State of Online Harassment


    https://www.getsafeonline.org/personal/articles/online-abuse/
    https://wellnesscenter.gatech.edu/report-social-media-abuse

    Our Commitment to Equality

    Equality, diversity, and safety are important in May. They’re also important in July. But June is when we celebrate LGBTQ Pride Month- a time when we should all reaffirm our commitment to treating human beings equally and with the dignity they deserve. But, more importantly, that commitment needs to be firmly and unwaveringly held every single day of the year.

    Operation Safe Escape wants to take this opportunity to renew our pledge to help all survivors of domestic violence, stalking and harassment; we do not discriminate based on gender, gender expression, sexual orientation, or any other innate characteristic. We believe that love is love, and no one should be denied safety and security because of who they love or who they are.

    Members of the LGBTQ community are too-often affected by domestic violence and related crimes, and sometimes it can be difficult to know where to go for help. We see you, we support you, and we‘re here for you.

    Password recovery questions: who already knows your mother’s maiden name?

    We’ve all been there- you go to log into a website and realize that you just can’t remember your password. And it’s not like you can easily guess it, because your probably used a strong password rather than something insecure like your dog’s name (right?). So you click that little link that says “forgot password” and start the process of getting back into your account.

    The website developers made a choice at that point, and it affects your security. They might send a password reset link to your email address and let you reset it there. Hopefully they don’t send you your current password in the email itself, that just means they’re not protecting it right. It’s a bit better if they send you a temporary password that expires after a set period of time. But in many cases, they’ll prompt you to reset your password by verifying your identity and answering password recovery questions.

    In the early days of social media, there was a game making the rounds. It said that your “adult entertainer” name was your first pet’s name and the street you grew up on. If I had played it, I would have been Alex Sunset, which honestly has a nice ring to it (I’ll explain in a bit why I don’t mind telling you that). But do those pieces sound familiar? “Pet’s name” and “Street you grew up on” were at the time (and in too many cases, still are) some of the most popular password recovery questions. By giving hackers and identity thieves that information, you’ve already made their job a lot easier.

    Fast forward to today, we’re living in the information age. Back in the 1800s when telegraph banking became a thing, most people didn’t know another person’s mother’s maiden name unless they were a part of the family or at least from the area. So when they came up with security standards, it seemed like a good question to ask someone who was asking for their money to be transferred to a different area. Yes, “mother’s maiden name” as a security question is really that old. But today, websites collect that information for you and make it very easy to find. The other answers might be found on your facebook page or other “people search” websites.

    Fortunately, many websites have realized this and changed up their questions to ones that can’t be easily found. They’re more opinions and personality traits than searchable facts, things like “what’s your favorite vacation spot” or “who was your favorite teacher in high school?” Sure, someone following you on social media might also know the answers to those questions, but the idea is that only you would know all of them. Well, maybe you and someone who lives in your home or grew up with you. That’s the biggest flaw in even these “second generation” security questions- they assume that only you would know about your memories and opinions, and that’s clearly not always the case.

    There’s no delicate way to put this, so I’ll just say it: it’s okay to lie. Or maybe I’ll put it another way- it’s perfectly fine to use answers that you’d remember but someone else might not think to use. If your favorite vacation spot is New York City, make a habit of naming your LEAST favorite vacation spot instead. Instead of naming your favorite food, name your favorite drink. Be consistent, be unpredictable, be secure. There’s another benefit to doing it this way- most sites will alert you if someone tries to reset your password. You get an alert but your password remains intact.

    So feel free to use my first pet’s name and the street I grew up on to reset my passwords, because I don’t.

    (Just want to mention, another option is to use a password manager to store your very secure passwords. That’s another topic on its own, but if you’re going to use one make sure you’re able to protect the primary password, since it controls access to the rest of them!)

    Set your own PACE

    In some professions, communication is important. In the military and public services, for example, they use what’s called a PACE plan to make sure they always have a way to send a critical message when time’s a factor. And you can, too.

    PACE stands for Primary, Alternate, Contingency, and Emergency. In other words, it’s a way to make sure there’s multiple ways to reach someone or communicate even if something goes wrong and the primary method isn’t an option. Broken down, it looks kind of like this:

    Primary is the way you routinely talk to someone. It’s the one that makes the most sense to use and is often the most convenient. For example, many of us will be using our phone to call, text, or DM someone we want to talk to. If it’s what you normally use to talk, that’s probably going to be your primary method.

    Alternate is what you use if the primary method isn’t available. If you drop your phone in the bathtub and have to wait for the bag or rice to work it’s magic, what would you to do reach out to someone you want to talk to? Maybe then you’d use your computer or a tablet- that’s your alternate method.

    Contingency is what you use if neither the primary or alternate method is an option. This is often something that’s a bit less convenient, but will still do the trick. This could be a neighbor’s phone, sending someone with a message, or another way to get information across.

    Emergency is when you or someone else needs help right now, and there might not even be time to send a message privately or securely. Consider how the military communicates- in most cases, they’re using encrypted radios or some other way that hides what they’re saying. But if there’s an emergency, sending out a message “in the clear” can make sure everyone gets it and can respond quickly. You hope to never need to use an emergency method of contact, but deciding what it might be ahead of time is important.

    Another benefit of setting up your PACE plan now is that you have time to think about safety and security for the methods you choose. If your phone is your primary method of communicating with your support system, of course you want to make sure your phone is protected and private. But if your computer is your alternate communication method, you should probably make sure it is too- just in case you need to use it.

    So set your own PACE, what that means is up to you.

    The Aldrich Ames mailbox

    Sending a signal, just like in the movies

    Have you ever watched one of those exciting, edge-of-your seat spy movies? Or maybe an equally exciting documentary about the life of a real-life spy? In both cases, there’s one scene in particular they tend to get exactly right.

    At a certain point, the spy needs to signal to his or her handler that they need to speak. Or maybe that they have information. Or maybe that there’s trouble. Whatever it is, they use a pre-arranged to send that important message. Sometimes, it’s a piece of tape on a window. In the real-world case of Aldrich Ames, the CIA double-agent would leave small chalk marks on a specific mailbox. The important part is that the spy and their contact both knew what they messages met and what to look for, and their adversary didn’t.

    While you’re (hopefully!) not a spy, you might someday have a need to send secret messages in a way that won’t alert an abusive partner. With the advent of social media, this is a lot easier to do than it was before but traditional options can still be useful. For example, leaving the window blinds open at a 45 degree angle could mean “please check on me.” Posting a specific picture on instagram might mean “my phone is being monitored.” Using a specific phrase on facebook could be saying “call 911.”

    If you choose to set up a clandestine communication method like this, keep the following important principles in mind:

    1. Set up the signal and what they mean ahead of time with someone you trust. Make sure they understand what each signal indicates and what they need to do

    2. Make sure the signal doesn’t stand out or raise suspicion. In the previous examples, if you never change the way the window blinds are oriented doing it to send a signal would be seen as out of character

    3. Make sure the signal is unique and stands out, but isn’t likely to be accidentally used (or thought to be used)

    4. Establish how often your ally should be checking for a signal, if applicable. Is it enough for them to drive by your house once a week to see if the houseplant in the window has moved? Should they be looking at your twitter feed regularly?

    Even if you feel you can safely reach out to your support system or call for help if you need it, it’s helpful to set up an alternate way to communicate with others just in case you need it. Setting up signals ahead of time and making sure they’re not too obvious to someone not “in the know” can help you do so safely.

    Happy Thanksgiving

    Thanksgiving means many things to me. It’s a day to gather with friends and family to enjoy one another’s company. It’s a day that my daughter and I put together grandma’s famous fruit salad for everyone to enjoy (and she eats the cherries as fast as I can cut them!). It’s also a day when I like to stop and think about the many things for which I’m grateful and how my life has been enriched by others.

    If you’re reading this, know that I’m thankful for you.

    When I founded Operation Safe Escape in 2016 (at the time using the awful name of “Project Safe Escape,” what a mistake that was!), I dreamed that we could help a few dozen people feel safe and start a life they had only dreamed of. If I let my mind wander, I could imagine helping 100 people. 100 people! The effects would be felt for generations if we could help break the cycle of abuse for so many.

    Over 3,000 successful escapes later, Operation Safe Escape is still going strong. It’s more than I had ever hoped for and I’m thankful every single day for it. I’m thankful for the volunteers that give their time to help people they’ll probably never meet. I’m thankful for our partners, who have donated goods and services that we can make available to survivors. I’m thankful for for people like you, who support us in so many ways. Many of the people reading this message have literally save lives in one way or another. It’s truly remarkable.

    Whether today is Thanksgiving for you, or if it’s Thursday, I hope you have much to be thankful for. I hope this upcoming year is even better than the last.

    Best wishes,
    Chris
    Director, Operation Safe Escape

    The Safe Connections Act Passes Congress, Pending Presidential Signature

    Cell phones have changed the way we work, play, and communicate with one another. They can be used to talk to loved ones anywhere in the world, do schoolwork, play games, and so much more. In fact, for many of us, it’s hard to imagine life without it.

    323.6 million Americans own cell phones, most having “smart phone” capability. Unfortunately, statistically speaking, up to 6.3 million of those people have been, are currently, or someday will be in an abusive relationship. In many of those cases, the abuser has control over the survivor’s phone plan- even after a breakup. That may allow the abuser to access their phone records, see who they’ve been speaking to, shut off the service at will, and prevent the survivor from moving the device to their own (more private) plan.

    In January 2021, Senators Brian Schatz, Deb Fischer, Richard Blumenthal, Rick Scott, and Jacky Rosen sponsored Senate Bill 120, The Safe Connections Act. This bill requires mobile service providers to separate the survivor’s phone line, as well as their children or others in their care, from the abuser’s line whenever technically possible. Furthermore, the providers are not allowed by law to charge fees for this service.

    The bill also requires providers to complete the separation within two days of making the request, allow remote methods to make the request, protect the survivor’s confidentiality, and provide information to the public about the service so people know it’s an option.

    Happily, this bill has since passed both chambers of congress and is waiting for the President’s signature to become law. Operation Safe Escape agrees with the Electronic Frontier Foundation, who says:

    “We would have preferred a bill that did not require survivors to provide paperwork to “prove” their abuse. For many survivors, providing paperwork about their abuse from a third party is burdensome and traumatic, especially when it is required at the very moment when they are trying to free themselves from their abusers. However, this bill is a critical step in the right direction, and it is encouraging that Congress so overwhelmingly agreed.”

    But, it’s a start and a huge victory for survivors of domestic violence and their advocates.

    View details on the bill here.

    Protecting your passwords

    You’ve probably heard it before: “never write down your passwords. Use unique passwords for each website and memorize them.”

    It’s great advice, but it’s not always easy. In 2022, the average person has between 70 and 80 passwords they need to keep track of! This can sometimes lead to people using easily-guessed passwords (like their birthday or pet names, things like that) or reusing passwords for multiple sites (if one site is hacked and the passwords stolen, hackers can see if the passwords work for other websites, too).

    Fortunately, you have options for protecting your passwords and accounts. Here’s a few:

    1. Use a password manager. A password manager is an app for your phone or computer that can securely store encrypted passwords so you don’t have to remember all of them. All you have to do is remember your password for the password manager, which you should make as strong as possible. This means you can use very strong and unique passwords for each website without having to remember each one.

    2. Write them down. I know, right? You always here it- don’t write down your passwords. But this is where you need to decide which is safer for you. Remember that your online accounts can be attacked by anyone with an internet connection, but gaining access to a notebook or password sheet requires access to wherever it is placed. If you feel you can protect a sheet of paper and know you need to use strong and unique passwords, this might be an option.

    3. Write them down, but know the secret. If you feel like writing down your password (and securing it) is an option for you, you can add an extra layer of security by changing the password from the actual one. For example, anyone looking at the password sheet wouldn’t know that you actually added an extra letter to the end. Or that you added 2 to all of the numbers in your password. By changing it, you can not only protect your accounts but you can also get an alert if someone tries to use it.

    Whichever you choose, you should always turn on two-factor authentication. Two factor authentication (2fA) requires an additional measure to prove your identity prior to logging in. Sometimes, this can be an app, or it can even be a hardware token that must be present in order to log in. Using 2FA means that even if someone knows your username and password, they still can’t log in without you knowing.

    Whatever password solution you choose, we recommend changing all your passwords at the same time if possible. This prevents anyone from leveraging their access to undo the work you’re doing to protect your accounts. And don’t forget to choose the option “log me out of other locations” whenever possible! If someone is in your account without permission, this will kick them out and make sure they can’t log in again.

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